


Dwarf-napping

by Rowan_of_Transylvania



Series: Dwarf-napping [1]
Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Kink Meme, M/M, Multi, Prompt Fill, everyone consents but there is kidnapping, slight dub-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-26 04:14:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/646457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rowan_of_Transylvania/pseuds/Rowan_of_Transylvania
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tooks were always an odd bunch of Hobbits. They never beat around the bush with 'courting' or 'wooing'; instead a good kidnapping of their mate of choice and off to their closest relatives house to get hitched. If the person runs away before everything is finished? Well, a Took loves a good chase every now and then, gets the blood boiling.<br/>Bilbo is more Took than Baggins, no matter what he'll have anyone of the gentlehobbits of Hobbiton believe. And he grew up hearing all the tales from his Took mother about how she and Tooks before her would trick or kidnap the person they wanted to marry and bring them to their closest relatives Hobbit hole.<br/>Then Gandalf shows up, talking about adventure and that gets Bilbo's Took side to perk up; now here's an opportune chance! And then the Dwarfs show up, and really Bilbo's feeling a bit weak-kneed just looking at them. So many choices!<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Dwarf-napping

**Author's Note:**

> Full prompt here because it was too long for the summary:  
> http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/3138.html?thread=4407874#t4407874

Bilbo Baggins has always been very aware of the two halves of him, the Baggins and the Took. Over and over and over again as a little hobbit he'd been told the story of his parents' courting. How his father had very politely and properly brought flowers to his mother, how he had asked her on picnics, how he had danced three times with her at the Old Took's birthday party to announce his intentions to the whole of the Shire. Bilbo's favorite part of that story came later, when his mother, fed up with his father's Bagginsy propriety, embraced her Took heritage with both arms and whisked Bungo away to her cousin's for a fast wedding and a not-so-fast honeymoon. In his tweens Bilbo often dreamed of finding a hobbit lass, or maybe a lad (he was already very Tookish, what was one more scandal?), of his own to whisk away to his uncle’s home. Sometimes, in the deepest recesses of his mind where his inner Baggins dared not go, Bilbo imagined his chosen resisting, running, giving him a challenge. Not too much, of course, Bilbo hated the idea of truly forcing anyone's hand, but enough to get his heart pounding and his body tingling in that wonderful, adventuring way.

These days, of course, Bilbo keeps that side of himself tucked firmly away under the respectable Baggins he's been since his mother died. He hasn’t bothered with any courting; respectable Bilbo Baggins would never kidnap another hobbit and marry her in secret, and Bilbo can’t quite see the point in doing it any other way. So Bilbo remains a bachelor, and such is his state when Gandalf comes looking for an adventurer, which Bilbo surely is not, no sir not at all.

At least, that’s what Bilbo tells himself all day and into the evening, reassuring himself of the respectability of his Baggins surname until the doorbell rings. Bilbo feels his heart jump and his Baggins side begin to shrink as he stares at the dwarf filling his doorway. He can’t help the whimper that escapes him at the thought of kidnapping this fine specimen. Oh, he would present a wonderful challenge, yes he would. As the dwarf - Dwalin - as Dwalin makes himself at home, tossing Bilbo his cloak and helping himself to Bilbo’s supper, Bilbo finds himself getting more and more irked. Tooks may be wild, but they at least know to share. Just as he decides that enough is enough, the doorbell rings again, and his Bagginsy determination to politely eject the dwarf from his house disappears once more.

This time the dwarf at his door is older, but he is smiling cheerfully, which Bilbo considers a great improvement over Dwalin. Dwalin who is, Bilbo realizes with a flash of horror, the new dwarf’s brother. As the two dwarves invite themselves into his pantry, Bilbo feels his Baggins side coming up again, this time bolstered by the Took that arose with Dwalin’s entrance. He does feel the Took slinking back a bit as it becomes apparent that Balin and Dwalin heard nothing but his apology, but it comes back in full force when he opens his door for the third ring of the bell.

“Fili,” “And Kili.”

Bilbo tries, he really does, remembering what the other set of brothers (because that is clearly what these two are) have already done to his house, but the two beautiful young dwarves force their way into his house and Bilbo is hard pressed to remember past their eager smiles and Tookishly mischievous eyes just why he wanted them to stay out.

The doorbell rings once more, and Bilbo can almost see his Baggins side giving one last attempt for respectability before he pulls open his door to see what must be at least half a dozen dwarves tumbling onto his floor. Bilbo stares as his Took roars up again. So many dwarves. So many choices. The rest of the evening Bilbo flits back and forth between the dwarves. Should he choose Kili, with his loose locks and bright eyes that would fit him right in in Tuckborough? Should he pick Bofur, with his funny hat and dry humor? Or maybe Ori, who seems more hobbity than Bilbo himself? Bilbo feasts his eyes and ears on the possibilities in front of him and agonizes internally over which of them he will take. His choice only gets harder as they display their prowess in, well, he supposes it’s just dishwashing, but at the same time it is so much more.

The knock on his door gets his attention immediately. Oh, the possibilities behind that knock. Forceful, demanding, and yet the dwarf it belongs to seems to be begging to be knocked down a peg or two. What Bilbo would give to be the one to take Thorin Oakenshield down and show him what hobbits are worth.

The evening goes as it goes, but by morning Bilbo’s inner Took has completely taken control. Not only is he going on an adventure, but he’s taking at least one of those dwarves on another adventure of his own. He has a few days as they travel leisurely through the Shire to formulate his plan, and by the time they settle into their camp in Tuckborough (it’s a nice night and they have no idea when they might need what coin they have), Bilbo is ready to act.

He starts with the easiest. Ori is small and light and, as Bilbo discovered that first night, sleeps like a log. Bilbo doesn’t even bother to deal with the bedroll, he just picks Ori up in a bundle and carries him off to cousin Sigismond’s home, where there is a conveniently large room with furs and carpeting to make a lovely bed.

The others aren’t so easy. Nori is wiry enough that Bilbo could lift him, but his less-than-legal background makes him wake at the slightest touch. Fortunately, Bilbo has a quickly developing reputation among the dwarves for eccentricities, or hobbit-dealings as they call them, and he was able to slip Nori a little sleeping aid under the guise of herbal tea at dinner. As gently as he knows how, and eternally grateful for his many younger cousins who gave him such practice, Bilbo lifts the dwarf and carries him inside to lay next to his brother.

Bilbo already knows who he will wake to help him with the rest of the dwarves. His first thought was Fili or Kili, but either one would demand that the other be involved, and Bilbo simply cannot have their endless curiosity ruining his plans.

“Bofur,” he hisses, shaking the dwarf’s shoulder lightly, “Bofur, wake up.”

Bofur stirs and pushes his hat out of his eyes. “Bilbo? What’s the matter?”

“I need your help moving Fili, Kili, Bifur, Thorin and Dwalin,” Bilbo whispers. He has discovered that Gloin and Bombur are married already, and are, as such, distinctly ineligible. Dori, Oin and Balin are not, but Bilbo finds the age difference (even discounting dwarves’ longer lives), to be rather disconcerting.

True to Bilbo’s expectations, Bofur does not question him. “Where would we be takin’ them then, laddy?”

“Up to my cousin’s house, it’s just over the top of the hill.”

“Alright then. We’ll be wantin’ to take Fili and Kili together, though. Those two’ll sleep through anythin’ except separation.”

So Bilbo and Bofur carefully tug and wrap the brothers’ bedrolls and blankets until they have a decent sling. Bilbo rather doubts their ability to carry both of them at once. Young they may be, but they are nowhere near as slight as Ori. Bofur, and Bilbo praises the idea to ask for his help, comes up with two of the ponies, their ropes holding them close together, and they sling Fili and Kili up between them for the short trip to Sigismond’s hobbit hole.

Bifur is next, Bofur’s expertise in dealing with his cousin again infinitely useful. The toymaker murmurs what Bilbo thinks is nonsense words, though he really cannot tell, and the sounds keep Bifur settled the entire way.

Now, thinks Bilbo, comes the challenge. Thorin and Dwalin. Both light sleepers, both fierce fighters. If either should wake while they were moving him, it would spell disaster for Bilbo’s plans. He and Bofur confer in mutters on the other side of the camp, until they decide that Bofur will wake Dwalin and ask him to come see where the others have found to rest and keep him distracted there. This Bofur does quite convincingly, whispering that the others have found someplace to sleep, but that he isn’t quite sure it’s as safe as they seem to think. Bilbo watches from his bedroll, where he is pretending to sleep because Dwalin is annoyingly observant of details like who in their company is accounted for. Once he is sure that Bofur has gotten Dwalin into the house, Bilbo rises and “sneaks” out of the camp, making sure to step heavily, snap twigs and crunch leaves around Thorin. He strains his ears for the sound of heavy dwarf feet following him, but he can never tell what may be Thorin and what is his mind playing tricks on him. By the time he reaches his cousin’s door, however, Bilbo is certain that his trick worked. Thorin is following him, tracking his footsteps far enough behind so as not to be seen should Bilbo look back.

Bilbo enter the hallway and, cringing a little, tracks mud to the doorway of the room he has all the other dwarves in. He slips into an alcove and waits.

Soon enough, Thorin comes carefully down the hall, moving to look into the room from which Dwalin’s and Bofur’s voices can be heard. Bilbo seizes his chance, leaping from his hiding place to slam his body into Thorin’s. He succeeds in tackling Thorin into the room by sheer surprise, but he takes his advantage in both hands and slams the door closed, locking it.

The noise wakes those dwarves still sleeping, and soon Bilbo’s ears are filled with sounds of confusion, demands to know what Fili and Kili have done this time (“It wasn’t us, we swear!”), and the general cacophony of angry dwarves. Finally Thorin calls for silence.

“This is one of your kind’s dwellings, hobbit. What do you know of this?”

Bilbo stands with his back to the door and grins, all Took, “We’re getting married.”

There is silence for near a minute before Thorin says in his most quiet, dangerous voice, “What?”

Bilbo merely smiles at him. “I said, we’re getting married.”

Thorin steps forward menacingly, about to speak again, but he is cut off.

Bofur has fallen to the floor, laughing uproariously.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Two days later the company is moving again. As they ride through Tuckborough there is many a grimace or blush or leer to be seen on the faces of dwarf and hobbit alike. They have almost reached the border when a call comes out from behind them, “Oi, mister Bilbo! Which one’s your ‘napped?”

The dwarves redden even more, but Bilbo merely grins at his second cousin and calls out “What do you mean, ‘one’?”


End file.
